Mike’s Funny Stuff Blog

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding’ me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting’ laid!

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None .

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

W ITNESS : Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY: ALL your r esponses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS : No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

In the world, one single rule applies to the men: Make the Woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed (+1)
• You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
• You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
• In the rain (+8)
• But return with Beer (-5)
• You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
• You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
• You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
• It’s her pet (-100)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

• You stay by her side the entire party (0)
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
• Named Tina (-20)
• Tina is a dancer (-100)

HER BIRTHDAY

• You take her out to dinner (0)
• You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
• Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
• And it’s all-you-can- eat night (-3)
• It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

• You take her to a movie (+2)
• You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
• You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
• You take her to a movie you like (-2)
• It’s called ‘DeathCop’ (-3)
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
• You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

ENJOY THE ‘BIG’ QUESTION

• She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
• You hesitate in responding (-10)
• You reply, “Where?” (-35)
• Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
• You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
• She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

I hope that helped you out mister!